Quotes from

The Art of Listening

Jacqueline Kuijpers, 
Translated from: NRC, 27-5-00

About 
M.F. Delfos, 'Luister je wel naar mij?'
Gespreksvoering met kinderen tussen de vier en twaalf jaar
Uitgeverij SWP, ISBN 906665340X

['Do you listen to me?'
Talking with children between four and twelve year old]

Martine Delfos, PhD psychologist and therapist, is always surprised if she hears how adequately children can express their thoughts. A boy replied to the question "What is now?" with "That's already gone". 

"For adults it is funny how children say things because they say things in the wrong way. But what that boy said was very clever. I plea for more respect to the wisdom of the child."

Delfos wrote the recently published book [Dutch title translated as:] 'Do you listen to me?'
Talking with children between four and twelve year old. The book has a scientific basis, but is good readable because of the many examples. The book fulfils a need to more grip in talking with young children, a field about which is scarcely literature. [...]

Delfor points [...] to two important hindrances. The first one is the language.

"Adults often think that, if a child knows all words, it would also be able to tell everything. That is not true. Children often repeat questions because they don't know how to formulate their real question. In these cases, adults often think that the child does not listen."

The second hindrance is the adults' lack of respect to children. Delfos was only nineteen years old, when she heard of a case that she will remember life long.

"A young boy was fond of salt. he licked the salt from a cracker and sneakily nibbled from the saltcellar. Regrettably, too much salt is not good, and so the boy got a diet with a normal level of salt when he came into the hospital. Within seven days he died. Autopsy followed, and the conclusion was that the child had an illness that caused a lack of salt. Apparently, by eating salt he had saved his life."

This case gave Delfos the idea that adults should have more respect for the knowledge of the child. [...]

For Delfos, lack of interest is also an aspect of lack of respect.

"Children grow up with the words 'Wait a while!' Research (Kiili 1999) learned me that children feel that adults have no interest in them, unless the subject is illness, pestering or school."

Thus, what does a child that wants attention? It says "I have a tummy-ache". Then the child has the adult in its grip, says Martine Delfos smiling, while her hand takes an imaginary father at his necktie. [...]

"Children use far more possibilities than adults to express themselves. It is the adults' lack to need language for communication. If a child wants comfort, it stands close to you. An adult would even not try to do so." [...]

In her book, Delfor reports from international research to the inner life of children.

"We have come to the conclusion that children communicate far better than we always have thought. Many parents think that their child is high-talented. That is nonsense, normal children are able to say very profound things. "

According to Delfos, children are able to tell a lot about their inner world, as long as the adults overcome the hindrances and offer the children enough room and, if needed, a helping hand. If you want to talk with children, position your face at the same height as the child's face. Go to their level, in the literal and the figurative sense. By doing so, you create equality, which is the basis for a good interview. [...]

According to Delfos, one can recognize the most important questions children ask, by having attention to the silence just before the question.

"I learned this from experience, not from research, but it is quite logical: the child thinks for a while about the question. If you observe such a silence - and try to do this also in a crowded class room - try to help the child to ask the right question. This is the helping hand an adult may offer."