Young people speak out about their sexual contacts with adults

By Frans Gieles.

Translated from the Dutch NVSH lwg JORis Newsletter.

YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE THEIR SAY.

In the past two years, nine times I came across disclosures from young people about sexual contacts that they had accepted. These contacts had taken place 3 to 20 years previously.

In all cases I know the involved adult to be principled and trustworthy, who would not force his will onto a child. In all cases I am convinced about the consensuality of the encounter and I am also mostly assured that the immediate aftermath was at least a partly positive experience.

But still, later and in retrospect, the encounters were viewed differently.

THE EXPERIENCE IN RETROSPECT.

The reactions confirm each other on many essential points. These points support again what one can find in the literature. Here is, in their own words, what the young people related to me:

1. I felt drawn in two ways: It was nice, but somewhere it also didn't feel good. I had the feeling that something bad was happening that I couldn't stop.

2. It went all too fast. It was too early. It was too much at once. I rather had discovered all this slowly, at my own pace.

3. I couldn't talk with anyone about it, not at home or with boy or girl friends. No, it was not a happy secret, for it weighed too heavy on my conscience. It was a barrier between me and my parents and friends.

4. My spontaneity disappeared.

5. I was ashamed and felt guilty that I nevertheless had agreed to do it. Did you say that I took the initiative...? I thought that YOU did...! But you should not have agreed with that.

6. Now I don't know what I am sexually. I can't make any contacts. I have lost my self-confidence.

7. And at night I have those fantasies...

8. At home things are difficult. I can't concentrate at school. As a result of all that I started to use drugs.

9. I am pissed off with you. Haven't you noticed that for quite some time I have been avoiding you?

Note: Experiences like these are commonly expressed in the "sexual abuse literature", but I encountered the same in my reading and in personal contacts about encounters that were mostly consensual with principled adults.

THE ORIGINS OF THE EXPERIENCE.

It is understood that the source of the discomfort is not necessarily caused by the encounter. In retrospect the experience is re-interpreted. This is an essential process that doesn't take place in a vacuum: This happens in a search for an explanation that one can come across or is offered. I can see three sources of the re-interpreting in retrospect of the experiences.

1. One's own psyche developed in the upbringing of the young people. It doesn't matter how tolerant arid enlightened the family background is. Society itself is still deeply and firmly rooted in sex-negative paradigms (i.e. sex = dirty etc.).

2. The broader cultural society, which includes the family, youth culture, and society as a whole. Look, for instances, the medium of television influences young people.

Young men discover how 'society' thinks - read: how one is forced to think - about sex, childhood and youth, sexual orientations and pedophilia. Everywhere the present 'moral order' is forcefully presented to the young people who aren't able yet of reaching a critical judgement that makes them resist such indoctrination. (Where can one learn to make such judgements?)

This culture is very powerful and has the capability to wipe away the original positive experience and turn the meaning and value of that experience by 180 degrees. Such ideas fall on fertile soil, as many boys have a great fear of becoming homosexual, so much so that their own trust totally disappears and turns into homophobia.

While one thinks about these things the next source becomes quite clear.

3. The 'counselors'.... One can hear the words of the RIAGG (Dutch Mental Care Institutions) when the young people talk about their own experiences. "I have a split personality ." "I am a victim of sexual abuse ." The value of the original experience has now totally disappeared. The now offered interpretation is accepted as one's own true experience.

It is now the norm that 'Counselors' ask for the sexual experiences. When, in one's youth, these experiences have been shared with an adult, there will be an automatic conclusion that all problems stem from that incident only. This ‘solution' is readily accepted, for one does not have to look at oneself, be critical of one's parents or schools. One does not even have to be critical about society as a whole that offers sex violence and drugs in massive proportions.

The problem is now clearly simplified: A scapegoat has been found. The standard 'solution' to this predicament is to go to the police and start proceedings.

It is nearly also the norm that one then can claim for damages.

THE FOUR PRINCIPLES

Several years ago, we discussed at one of the IPCE Meetings in Copenhagen a paper about ethics, written by (one of the) Danish people. In one of the meetings in Amsterdam, we spoke about a next version of this paper. In NVSH lwg JORis, these ethical principles are discussed several times. Gradually, we reached consensus about four ethical principles and a P.S. Here they are in the last generally accepted version.

1. SELF-DETERMINATION:

Children must always have it in his or her own power to regulate their own sexuality, their relationships with others and their own lives.

2. INITIATIVE;

Even in a later stage of the relationship, it is always the children who make the choice to have sex.

3. FREEDOM:

At any moment within the relationship with an adult, children must have the freedom to withdraw from the relationship. (Dependency in sexual relationships limits their freedom). Love and dedication must be unconditional. Sex is never allowed to be a bargaining tool.

4. OPENNESS:

The child should not have to carry unreasonable secrets. One has to take into consideration how the child lives with its own sexuality. This openness depends a great deal on the quality of the relationship, and the support from the adult(s).

P.S. 

The local mores and customs also play a role, as openness about children's sex lives is not always appreciated. Children often have to be sexual in secret. Homosexuality is for many youngsters a big taboo. This can bring many problems and insecurity. If the sub-culture in which they live is relaxed and strong enough, then children can find support in that environment.