A Carefully Reconnoitering of the Limits
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to declare only keeping the distance as non-professional, |
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to differentiate between eroticism and sexuality, and |
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to differentiate erotic contact in form A and form B. |
I describe having sexual contact as acting with the aim of sexual
satisfaction by touching sexually sensitive parts of the body.
I describe having erotic contact as bodily contact that is felt, or
meant, as pleasant,
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in form A: without the aim of sexual excitement, |
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in form B: with the aim of sexual excitement. |
This gives the childcare worker the possibility to use a rich scale of forms of contact and to achieve the level of intimacy needed for this work, adapted to the requests for help and development of the child. This kind of intimacy may be a part of the caring task of the worker and of the climate of the institution. Intimacy must be normal in this climate, not a special thing, and surely not furtive, but rather discussable.
To be able to speak about intimacy, something is necessary that contrasts with a trend I observe. Nowadays, much behavior is labeled as "sexual", but it is debatable if that behavior is felt or meant as sexual. Thus, I say:
Especially sexologists do this. They observe and count behavior of children by gender and age, and they give percentages to know if certain sexual behavior is normal or not.
However, if I read such a list, for example that of Friedrich et.al. 1991, I see behavior that in my opinion not is felt or meant as sexual by the children: "stands too close", "hugs or kisses adults not known well". A rational discussion about meaningful forms of intimacy becomes impossible if one labels as sexual what by the children or the caregivers themselves is not meant as such. Every discussion becomes really impossible if one labels intimate and conscientious acts of childcare workers as pedophilic, as they themselves do not feel or mean it as such.
They exist. They will come to light if you dare to work with intimacy. Pitfalls may lay within the child, but also in the group's climate -- if the jocks are the heroes. The childcare worker might be confronted with her or his own impediments due to experiences, education or values and norms. A team may lack openness; there may be insufficient respect for the differences between humans. Modern society give lots of pitfalls. I want to highlight the first and the last sources: the child and society.
Hommes (1979) describes the "children one does not easily let go": they ask for a lot of attention and affection... but it never is enough. These children incite a great dedication of involved helpers, but simultaneously they cannot cope with it. The worker may be entangled by this phenomenon. The worker has to draw the line: a clear and well-dosed giving of affection appears to work surprisingly well, but if one gives the same not well-dosed, the child and the worker get stuck.
De Lange (1991) describes the other side of the coin: for the children he describes, a 'normal' dose of attention and affection is not enough. The worker has to invest much time in romping and cuddling, especially at bed time - more than 'normally' is usual.
Hillige (1994) advises to carefully observe how children or adolescents handle with their 'request' for intimacy. This may differ, thus the answers will differ - as will the pitfalls.
In modern society acts are frequently labeled as sexual as they are not felt or meant as such. The rare groups that plea for more sexual freedom for youth do this. Also they who combat that idea of more freedom with ardor do this. Sexologists do it and it is bon ton among professional helpers. Public opinion also trends to separate youth and sex. The effect is that granddads and grannies, parents and teachers, as well as childcare workers for surety create great standoffishness.
This discussion is not new. In earlier days, one spoke about "the pedagogical eros", for instance described by Maasen (1988). He quotes Gustav van Wyneken, who plead for much room for bodily intimacy and close friendship - what I named "form A" of eroticism here above. So, Van Wyneken was suspected to be a pedophile. In those days, Van Wyneken experienced heavy pressure, and so do nowadays the childcare workers who dare to establish real close contact with the children. This was already the trend in 1983, when I wrote my article "Warmth and Intimacy... How About Them?" I will repeat the end of that article, which is still actual in these days:
So the point is:
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(a) Not to be afraid to give warmth physically as a child care worker; not to give way to the fear of "what people might think of me". |
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(b) To create and to preserve within the residential group such a climate, that there is room for personal and physical warmth between people intimately, but not in a "naughty" atmosphere. |
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(c) To create within the team such a climate that as a house parent you can talk about all the feelings of tenderness or love also the feelings you have about your work, the irritations, being crazy about something. Bronfenbrenner wrote "Every child needs at least one person who is crazy about him or her". (Cited by Maier in The core of care, 1979) |
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(d) If all this is going to work, it must depended on the way of thought of house parents, staff members and supervisors. And on their willingness to pay genuine attention to the experiences of the house parents, and to deal with them in such a way that the house parents can fully realize their feelings. |
All this is extremely difficult: our culture, our education, certain theories about child and education, and our language seem to obstruct us. We are swimming against the current. For the children who need our warmth so much, we will perhaps be strong and courageous enough to swim against that current; cautiously, but vigorously.
